I've been thinking a lot lately about who I am as a person. In the context of the larger communities I was born into (e.g. who I am as a woman, who I am as an African American citizen), The larger communities I choose to participate in (most notably Nerdfighteria, but mostly fandoms in general), the smaller groups/organizations I'm a part of (e.g. A member of: Academic Challenge Team, Drama Club, and Marching Band), and myself as an individual and how my participation in all of this various groups have influenced the person I am, and how (I hope) I influence these groups in turn.
It seems like a really cheesy cliché to point out that these years of our lives (when we're in high school and college and such), are the years in which we are changing the most and "discovering who we are" (especially since I believe that people of all ages never fully stop feeling this way, though this sentiment could be presumptive), and yet it is incredibly true that I have gone through so much change and self-reflection in the past three years, that I am a notably different person from my thirteen-year-old persona.
The most notable change that I've gone through in the past few years is my spirituality. I was raised in a Christian household, both of my parents are very devout (my father is a minister, actually) and when i was a little kid I considered myself a "believer" as well. My upbringing as a Christian certainly influences how I think and act and view society to some extent, though not necessarily in an explicitly religious way. Somewhere in the past few years I became disillusioned with this 'God' persona I had spent so much of my childhood learning and hearing about (and worshiping). At first it was simply a disbelief that any being such as this could exist. I couldn't tell you why that is, because I don't find it especially difficult to believe in the "supernatural". Perhaps it stemmed from an inability to understand how such a seemingly loving and forgiving being could also be so harsh and exacting. But no matter how it came about that I stopped believing in "him/her/it", (and it took me a very long and confusing time to come to this conclusion), after I did I realized that even if I did believe in this "higher power" I don't know how much I like it. Religion often teaches that (wo)men are infallible and not to be trusted. This is true, but as a solution I have rarely heard it suggested in sermons that people should try to rely on their peers, elders and themselves to accomplish their goals or subdue their anxiety, and instead they should rest all of their troubles on some nebulous beings shoulders. But maybe this comes from an inability on my part to comprehend what religious leaders, the Bible and "God" are trying to say.
Aside from religion I believe I've grown in how I think and approach the issue of gender. I've been thinking about this a lot lately (in part, because I'm currently reading a book about how the 2008 election affected women), especially how stereotypes negatively affect both genders. I mean, I find it terribly demeaning to consign all women to the kitchen (*ahem* I will not make you a sandwich. Make your own goddamn sandwich ;-) ), on the part of people unwilling to allow women into other areas of society, but I find it equally demeaning for women to bully other women about making the *choice* to stay at home. I also find the prevailing idea that feminine = weak, and masculine = strong disturbing. This confines two vastly diverse groups of people (not to mention all outside and in between them: androgyny, bigendered, etc.) into tight compartments that are ultimately detrimental to everyone. These aren't really new ideas or concepts to anyone, not even to me, but I have been thinking about this a lot, and in general I try to be very conscious about how all of the groups everyone finds themselves a part of influences how they experiance life (even if i don't understand it).
I feel like the one of the aspects of my identity that I have had the most consistent difficulty trying to reconcile is being Black. The problem I've found is that the prevailing stereotypes in America about black people are commonly accepted and reflected in members within the community. All of these stereotypes make up this sort of image of what a black person (in America) is, and if a person who happens to look black doesn't think or act the way society expects them to, then that person isn't really black, they're actually white. Prompting a lot of rude comments I've found directed my way (most often and notably "oreo", but I vaguely remember someone calling me a "burnt marshmallow" before...). I've always gotten the impression that these comments were directed at me because I was well-spoken, wasn't afraid to hide the fact I was intelligent, I used "long" words and I (apparently) can't dance. It's always deeply insulted me that just because I acted smart I didn't get to include myself in part of the community I have always considered myself a part of. It's also extremely counter-productive to stereotypes to kick people out of a group and denounce them when they don't fit them. It's terribly confusing, and it often leaves me feeling like I'm sort of hanging on the periphery. I mean, I'm obviously not white, and the experiences I've had because I am (and look) black mean that it's not always easy to feel as though I can explain myself and my feelings in regards to race to anyone, because a person who hasn't experienced (something akin to) what I have, can't fully understand how I feel, and oftentimes people in my own community won't listen to me because they don't see me as a part of it (I am specifically referring to my own classmates).
My feelings on all of these issues could be further enumerated upon, but that would result in an even longer post than I'm sure this one already is, and I also have an English paper that I need to write (it is due tomorrow, but I wanted to finish this blog post first: procrastination). I'm sorry if this post is kind of all over the place -- I wrote off the top of my head and I'm tired. If you have any questions about anything I said, please ask. I really intended to write a lot more about how I've changed in the past few years than I did, but I guess my thoughts wanted to go in a different direction than my plans (my thoughts are all over the place).
Recommendation: The band Athlete. I've been listening to them a lot over the past couple of days and I really enjoy their music. (For Doctor Who fans, their song "Chances" was played at the end of the episode "Vincent and the Doctor", when Amy and the Doctor bring Vincent to the L'œuvre )
[P.S. - Simone: I'm considering doing Script Frenzy, but if I don't do it, I might just spend the month attempting to finish my failed (first) attempt attempt at Nanowrimo. Here's hoping? :) ]
[P.P.S. If I have glaring grammatical errors, don't hesitate to correct them, I probably won't reread this until much later, and I'm sure I've missed something completely and obviously wrong]
Anywho...I'm gone now!
DFTBA
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